The Story of Agasan
Written by Rachel Lastimosa
AGASAN is a project that was set into motion after a long and arduous journey in and out of depression and anxiety. Having been diagnosed with PTSD after coming to terms with the abuse I suffered as a child and subsequently as an adult, coming out to my family with not-so-supportive results made the experience far worse. I tried everything I could to be “normal”, to not feel hollow, or have some semblance of emotional control. Things that used to bring me joy left me uninterested. Even though I had made a career of being on stage and performing music, getting out of bed or stepping out into the public seemed unfathomable most days.
My identity was so tied to the richness I associated with my relationships. And that identity had been shattered when it appeared that many of the friends I held closest to me became fair-weathered and my family’s sweep-it-under the rug mentality left a narrative in my mind that kept telling me that my safety wasn’t a priority and nothing mattered anymore, that I didn’t matter. It was the most difficult experience I’ve had to endure, the longest grieving period I had to bear and at times I thought I wish I hadn’t confronted the uncle that molested me and hadn’t told anyone what happened.
But if I had continued to carry the weight of a crime that wasn’t mine to hold, AGASAN would not have come to be. When I made the decision to hold an abuser accountable, I was making the decision to live my life wholly, to shed the burden I had held for the majority of my life so that I could become the best version of myself for myself and ultimately for those around me.
Slowly, I came to realize that I was in control of who I let into my life and by being discerning, I was practicing a kind of self care that allowed me to be held, supported and valued. I understood that though I was the one solely responsible for my recovery, I didn’t need to be alone on that path. I found that when I was in circle and focusing my energy in creation or in play, that I was restoring the parts of me that I thought I would never see again and transforming myself altogether.
The years I had spent performing and writing gave me the insight that art practice is a form of meditation. I began to use this idea as the seed for AGASAN, expanding the discipline from sound, to also incorporate visual and movement. And I knew that if I was capable of utilizing the arts to uncover deeper layers within myself and to connect more profoundly with those around me, I knew that the same could happen for my community and others that are seeking to transform themselves as well.
Through my mental health experience, I recognized that although the challenges I faced seemed insurmountable, they weren’t uncommon. The more I shared my story, the more I heard of others experiencing the same struggles and having difficulty in finding the support they needed for fear of shame, abandonment, and judgment. Many times, people would tell me how their trauma was a link in a long chain of similar events that was passed down generations. Recognizing that we have all experienced trauma in one form or another, whether we realize it or not, is a necessary step in destigmatizing mental health and breaking the cycle for our descendants. I knew that I not only needed to break this cycle for my own health, but for those that were to come after me.
Six months into my first pregnancy, with the support of like-minded artists and health practitioners, we hosted a series of workshops in the summer of 2019 to share some tools that our respective practices have uncovered. I saw a transformation take place during those workshops where participants became archetypes and facilitators became students (myself included); an ouroboros where the moment of inertia converted into motion. With the culmination of the AGASAN project approaching this June, we’re excited to bring an interactive multimedia experience to you, directly available in the comfort of your own home. We look forward to offering you creative pathways towards collective transformation.
